I've hesitated to update...I had a post-court celebration blog ready to post. BUT, we didn't pass court. Deferred to a new court date of March 4th, I've been overwhelmed by the storm of grief and disappointment, which held my celebration at bay. My tears continue litter the throne room of God, who is so gracious and patient with me. Friends and family have been dear to remind me of God's unfailing faithfulness, of His perfect timing, of His greater purpose, and of His ways, which none of us can comprehend. I'm so grateful for HIS TRUTH. My problem isn't knowing the truth. My problem is choosing to live in truth as opposed to allowing myself to let feelings dictate truth. Not having our son home (or one step closer) creates holes that mimic loss. This loss creates such a storm in my soul. This isn't a storm of doubt, rather it's a storm of trouble and distress, and this storm does demand my joy and peace. It's obvious this isn't what God intends for me in the midst of what He's orchestrated. I need to know Him in the fullness of who HE is, not just the God, who orchestrates the good, but also my God, who allows me to join Him in suffering and provides comfort. It drives me to my knees and into a dependency on the only One in control. When I seek God, He is always faithful to calm my soul. David scripted this best when he said, "I cried out to the Lord in (my) trouble, and he brought (me) out of (my) distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. (I) was glad when it grew calm, and He guided (me) to my desired haven." (Psalms 107:28-30) The haven I seek isn't the haven of a successful court date, an embassy appt., or holding my son in my arms (although I am desperate for those). My haven is knowing my Father more intimately and resting on Him and His truths.
The journey of adoption is transforming for all the parties involved. I began the journey fooled into believing my son's life would be impacted in a greater degree than mine. Adoption causes a child come to know their parent. Walking through our adoption, I feel like I am experiencing the miracle of spiritual adoption again, and again, and again. At each juncture of disappointment, trial, joy, or promise, God's revealing himself to me in new, more intimate ways. The God I know hasn't changed. But my walk with Him, the experience of dependency, demands I seek Him, know Him, and trust Him in ways I haven't before. I am coming to know Him, my Abba Father, my Savior Redeemer in new ways.
Knowing Him only in the ease of life doesn't allow full revelation. When we know Him in our suffering, our fear, our defeat, we know more of Him. I do celebrate even today, with a failed court date, because I can share with Him in my suffering. 2 Corinthians 4:10-11 says, "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body." I pray the process of pain, loss, fear, and defeat followed by promise is a living example of this. I take joy in the fact that I'm being renewed and refined daily..."For (my) momentary troubles are achieving for (me) an eternal glory that far out weighs them all." (2 Cor. 4:17) God has quieted my storm to a whisper, and in that I celebrate. He loves me enough to continue to reveal Himself to me...celebrate. I celebrate you, who have joined us to pray for God's perfect time, peace, and His will to be seen at each juncture. I celebrate and say, "On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many" (2 Cor. 1:10b&11) Truly, God deserves to be celebrated, not just in our moments of triumph, when He shows Himself faithful in our desires, but in the pain and suffering, and when he binds up our brokenness and comforts our pains.