Monday, May 3, 2010

At Loss for Words

There's a song by Mercy Me, which expresses my sentiments better than I am able. The opening line says, "Finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay." I haven't blogged since our return because I can't even put to words my feelings, my station, my struggles, my pains, my joys, my distractions, or my heart. I am, in so many ways, at a loss for words. So I force myself to recount it all. My joys. Those are easy to recount. My family is together. My son is home. God had allowed our desires to come to fruition. His hand went before us in epic proportion, in way that paralleled the Israelites journey to the Promise Land from Egypt. But the rest is harder. It baffles me. My words don't suffice. I wonder; maybe I don't need to be heard now. Instead, I need to listen more closely to the Lord. I need the truths of His words to be alive in me.

In Ethiopia, it was simple. It was simple to be still and know Him and hear Him. The distractions were small. Looking around, it was easy to see Him and to know where He would lead and direct me at each step. It was simple to know He was present. Continually, He made himself known in ways I had never experienced before. Here; here is different. Here is busy. Here is full of things. Here the noise of life overtakes. Here I can't find my way to the quite, still before His throne. Here is absent of the simplicity I crave in such an extravagant way. Maybe it isn't different or difficult, but I can't find the same place of hearing Him, walking with Him, touching Him, and seeking Him. Here, I can't find the place where His majesty is revealed to me in such a tangible way. And still, I know, He is the same. He is here. He doesn't change. He is consistent. I know He is ever present. I know He desires for me to find myself in His midst. But for me, I'm changed. This place doesn't seem to fit any longer. And here, I feel lost. The loud of life, the busy of life keeps trying to creep in. And I don't want it. For once, I feel like I moved from living in a shadow of reality and met life like He intended for me, for my family, my friends head on with such fullness that leaving it sucks the breath out of life. SO if I'm quite, know it's not you. If I'm quite, it's me. I'm trying. I'm trying to be still and hear Him and rest in Him. I'm trying to find contentment and fullness in the place He has me, here. I'm trying to find the place where He and I commune without distraction.

Today, as I type, my baby, Meze, is lying in my lap. He is curled up like he's been here forever. He doesn't realize life changed. For him, I think it just started. He may not know America. He may not know our home. He may not understand all the new faces. But for him, one thing remained consistent. The love of family. Parents. Trusting the ones who provide for his needs and love him beyond measure. When I look at him, I am reminded, this is exactly what the Lord says to me...I am here. Abide in me... Trust me,.. the one who loves you and provides. I did not leave you. I am constant. I am what you need. Not Ethiopia. Not America. Not friendship. Just me. I am enough. I am your portion.

There is a melancholy, a bittersweet. But the funny thing is, it's okay.

In the meantime, enjoy some eye candy.


  1. Lori, thank you for expressing your feelings so beautifully. This is exactly how I felt coming home, but was unable to communicate my feelings. I have been thinking about you and your sweet family. I know how hard it was for us to leave Ethiopia after only being there for 1.5 weeks. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to leave and transition back into your life here. I loved reading your blog posts about the things you experienced while in ET. Thank you for sharing. Give your family a big squeeze for me!!!

  2. I hope you got my email. I remember, I remember feeling all of that so well. It will get better and that makes me sad too, have I simply allowed the busy, the distractions to distract?? Please call if you need to visit, would love to be a sounding board if you need it. I still ache to be there as our hearts were indeed more full of Him while we were much to process.


  3. Precisely how I felt coming home too. I just couldn't write it so beautifully. Your child is beautiful. And so is God.

  4. Beautiful post! And Meze is ADORABLE!!! So glad he has transitioned to your family so well! Can't wait to go get my E!
    I'll talk to you soon... The weeks are pretty busy for us, but I'll call whenever I can! Sorry for calling during the bedtime routine last night!

  5. He is such a DOLL BABY!!!!! So happy for you!

  6. those pictures are amazing of Mr. Mez! So cute.

    I can imagine all that you're feeling. I experienced something like that when we came home after a month in Nepal. It felt like re-entry from another world. And, it was in many ways. Praying for you to find bearings.

  7. I loved reading this post. You describe so well your experience with God in Ethiopia.

    Your Meze is precious, and I love the photos!

  8. Your son is beautiful! I found your site through Susan Hyde. My husband and I are still researching agencies but feel God strongly calling us to Ethiopia. I know you are really busy but I would love to know what agency you used! Thanks in advance! Blessings!

  9. Jenna, we used Gladney. We couldn't be happier. Loved their presence in ET...very ethical, here and there. If they are not a fit, check into Holt, WACAP, and AAI. Those also have stellar reputation in country.

    APs, thank you for your encouragment. It's nice to know I'm not alone. What a strange work that takes place in a place I would never have reckoned.