New day, but no new news. No courtdate. We aren't expecting one anytime soon. It's hard...harder than we ever expected. The pain, which accompanies waiting, is unfamiliar but not overtly intolerable. I've been in places which bring the type of discomfort which leads me to petition God to remove the pain. This is different. Daily, tears sneak in. Too often it seems I can't even breathe. A thirst that can't be quenched and a weakness are ever pressing on my heart. But this pain is a bittersweet pain. The sweet brokenness God creates as He gently draws us to dependency on Him has a flavor I'm learning like. I feel like each moment He's leading me to a place closer to full surrender.
This surrender isn't like the broken surrender or discipline I've known from sin. It's not even like the surrender I've known with the loss of 4 pregnancies. This isn't the disapointment of lost dreams or the pain of absentee friends. This brokenness holds such promise. A new kind of promise for me to walk through. I feel God promising to heal my thirst and weakness, my parched soul. Isaiah 55:1 says, "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters,...come and buy and eat!" The Lord reminded me He doesn't just offer us food and water to eat and drink. His promise is greater. He promises, "As the rain and snow come down from heaven, (they) do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed." in Isaiah 55:10. This pain holds a promise, which brings about a tangible change. These buds and seeds of change are the promise. I can't wait to see the produce of HIS work in me. And I am grateful.
Thank you to our little boy, who's been God's tool for this season of change. Thank you for not just "being our newest son", but thank you for bringing new perspective. Mostly, Lord, we thank you for the sweetly breaking us to a place of full surrender, which solicits a change only YOU can make.