T Minus 2

T minus two is hard, really hard. Really, if the I wrote this entire post in caps, you might have a small glimpse of my emotional state. I'm so raw. Vulnerability does not suit me. When my own vulnerability is revealed, I tend to crater. So, I have cried too many times to count today. I've yelled at my husband. I've been angry with what I still need to complete. I'm stressed about what I'm forgetting. I want to spend time with my children and my family and friends, whom we are leaving behind. I want to be efficient. I'm ready to depart. I'm not ready to depart. I want to sleep, but I can't. I love my baby. I'm scared my baby won't like me. I don't think we are prepared for a month abroad. We AREN'T prepared for a month abroad (but I speculate another decade wouldn't prepare us). All the while, in my soul, the Holy Spirit whispers softly, "I'm all you need. I won't leave or forsake you. I am your provision. I am your strong tower. I am steadfast when you waver. I don't need your strength or perfection. I came to you when you were broken, weak, and imperfect. I loved you then; I love you now. I am all you need. I've prepared the way...just walk." For moments, I can hold on to this truth. And, then, like a small child, who needs constant reminders and training, I forget, run scared, and try to fight a loosing fight. I choose to remember truth. I choose to trust Him. And I know He is worth trusting.

I've been brooding over what really causes me fear and how in the midst of this fear, I can still have peace. I think I'm fearful of everything unknown, change, and failure. I'm fearful of missing the mark. And I think I can still have unfailing peace in the midst of this because I know the truth. (Ready???) I am a failure. Life will change. I won't know what to expect. God intends this. When I "know" all of the answers, I depend on me, not God. When I can manipulate my environment to stay the same, I remove the blessing of allowing God to change me and mold and remake me. When I fail, God prevails. He shines because I am out of the way. Truth be told, I would far rather walk in the middle of His perfect will, which at times bring heartache and discomfort than to continue on a path of ease simply because that set of difficulties is comfortable and known. My hope is writing this and reading this provides me with another level of accountability to walk where He calls, not where I want. Tonight, I'm going to keep walking.